I know, I know, this is a simple task and surely no one needs to be told how to walk their dog. Well, maybe that’s true for most but last Tuesday my dog walking experience changed for the worse.
I live right by some big fields and hills, so normally I have a nice peaceful walk up to the top of a big hill and around the fields at the top. So on Tuesday I set off and got to the gate at the bottom of the hill and passed through to realise there’s around three or four cows grazing in the field. Aw. Cute.
Then this other dog comes running at me and my dog and I’m all like “Yay! Another dog!” and then the dog’s owner appears. He starts chatting, which is fine at first, until I notice we’ve caught the cows’ attention. They start moving towards us, slowly. So this guy is telling me his dog’s life story and I’m nodding politely whilst starting to sweat because these cows are getting kinda close. Then I look up again and there’s more cows. Like loads. And this guy is still chatting and I’m too British to be like “yeah okay but I’m scared of these cows so shut up so I can run!” and these cows, like fifteen of them, are walking towards us. So this guy eventually is like “Right we better get going” and off he goes out the field with his dog and I’m stood there thinking “I’m going to look really weird if I follow him out the field I just walked into but these cows are starting to trot at me.” I mean, okay pal, thanks for holding me up in this field, leading me far enough away from the entrance gate but too far away from the exit gate to run away from the cows and continue on my usual walk route, and then disappearing just as they start getting closer and multiplying.
So I’m stood there while my dog, oblivious, is having a wee in the grass and there just somehow seems to be more and more cows appearing from the corners of the field. And then it happens. This one cow, I swear to God, looks me straight in the eye like “I’m coming for you girl.” and this damn cow starts trotting at me and my little dog. And then the other’s follow her, like the Karen Smiths and Gretchen Weinerses to her Regina George, until there’s a whole field of cows running at us.
I had to scoop up my dog, who was still mid-wee may I add, and actually run back to the entrance gate, as it was closest and not up a hill. I get through the gate and look behind me and Regina George is ramming the gate and mooing at me. All while the guy from before is looking at me like I’m mental as he packs his dog into his car.
So not only was I being personally victimised by Regina George in cow form, I was also doing my SECOND (yes that’s a humble brag) lot of cardio for the day trying to escape her.
Moral of the story: if you see cows in a field on your dog walk, just go the other way.