I know, I know… This one seems ridiculous. But, I don’t care if you’re the biggest bad man on the planet, if trains and train stations don’t give you that sick, shakey feeling you’re not human. Trains are scary and, I’ve just discovered this fact to its full extent.
Okay, so first of all, I’m travelling back to university, on a train from Manchester, that stops in Huddersfield, Leeds and Newcastle. So as you can guess, it’s full of all those cool, hipster, student types I’d love to fit in with but sadly, I do not own the Adidas Superstars, badly dyed hair and quirky jumpers required. Never the less, they’re a crowd you don’t want to screw up in front of. But I did. Oh how I did.
First off, the queue to get on the train was so long and violent, I got caught in the doors slamming shut on me and my excessively packed case on the way on. After being pulled on by a lovely couple who obviously felt sorry for the 5″2, weak-looking individual before them, I then discovered my reserved seat was occupied by what appeared to be a birds’ nest with eyebrows. Im a nervous person. I like to come across sassy and cool but these sorts of situations are not my forte, particularly not after being beaten by train doors. Fortunately, the female half of the lovely couple ushered the birds’ nest-eyebrow-hybrid out my seat and shuffled me into it.
Ah, comfort, at last. Glad that’s over and I can enjoy my three hour journey in peace now. PSYCHE. My suitcase.
As mentioned, I’m 5″2 (on a good day) and my upper body strength is lacking. Whilst trying to channel my inner body builder, I managed to hit an… “Intoxicated” gentleman over the head with my suitcase, then drop it on myself. As if that wasn’t bad enough, said “intoxicated” gentleman fell forward and hit someone else with his bag of clanging bottles whilst slurring some sort of obscenity.
By this point, everyone’s looking to see who’s caused the commotion, the lovely couple begin arguing over the male half being in the way of other people whilst trying to help me with my case, and I just had to slump into my seat and hide my face in my book whilst trying to thank said male without fuelling the argument further, and apologise to said drunk.
But you’ll be pleased to know, I am, finally, sat in my correct train seat, headphones in, not causing a scene. I’m trying to work out a way to teach you how to survive trains but, sadly, all I can come up with is… Don’t do any of the above.