Ah, the Great British house party. Is it just me or are they never really all that pleasant?
Even at 15, when I was supposed to be young and resilient, there was just nothing appealing about waking up lay on a dining room table, next to a cat and probably your own and your best friend’s vomit (… from all that diet coke you drank and definitely not your dad’s whiskey or your mum’s finest port that you stole from the kitchen cupboard.) Unfortunately, I was and still am, that girl who just can’t hack it, so I’d often find myself in some not so ideal situations.
*Playing catch up.*
I worked in a restaurant on weekends, so I was usually late to the party. (That describes my life on so many levels.) Subsequently, I’d drink as much as I possibly could within an hour of arriving to be on the same level as everyone else. And that my dears, is how you end up passed out in a bath at 10pm dressed as a peacock, with people taking pictures of you. (True story, it was Halloween okay?!) So, don’t play catch up. These things go on all night, you’re in no rush.
Usually a result of playing catch up, but lets be honest, it happens to the best of us. Sometimes, you just drink something weird, or you haven’t kept count of how many drinks you’ve had and… uh oh, your friend’s holding a pint glass under your mouth for you to be sick into (filled it to bang on one pint… so gross it’s almost impressive). Look, if you’re going to be sick, just make sure you’re near a sink or a toilet or at least a bin (ew). If you’re a girl, have a bobble on hand and hope to god someone brings you some water.
*Making Bad Conversation*
You’re excited, there’s new people, some of them are cool. You want to be cool. How do you approach this situation? You might want to not open with any political opinions you have, it may seem like an intelligent conversation topic, but trust me, at least one person will be offended at some point. It’s the same with music, you don’t know how aggressively hipster these people might be, and you don’t want to be shunned from the party for admitting your secret Carly Rae Jepson love. Also, keep your pet photos to yourself- it’s as bad as those middle aged women who post nothing but their daughter’s selfies on Facebook with the caption “My beautiful daughter. Mummy loves you xxx” As hard as it may seem, a simple “Hi, I’m [Insert name here] How do you know [Insert host’s name here]?” will do.
*Crying Over a Boy/Girl*
I’d like to hope this stops after a certain age, but even my older friends still do it and it doesn’t get any prettier. If your ex is there, just smile and nod. If someone kisses the person you fancy, just go find your friends and/or a good wingman/woman. And if you really really must cry, do it in the bathroom and, girls, take some top-up make up with you.
*Falling Down the Stairs*
Okay this one actually didn’t happen to me, but my best friend. And it was hilarious. Until she didn’t move for a bit and people thought she might be dead. All I can say is, hold on to the bloody banister you idiot. And don’t dance and walk, as tempting as that it.
Hope this helped a few of you, or at least indicated you’re not the only house party hating, alcohol intolerant loser.