How to Survive A&E

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Hello! I know it’s been a little while, but I’ve been back at uni, therefore in a constant state of drunk, hungover and panic writing essays.

Regarding the A&E subject of the blog, it’s where I spent the entirety of my Friday night out. I must say, those doctors were so efficient given an entire drunken cast of Jeremy Kyle were in there. However, I was rather gutted I had my lovely tassely American Apparell dress on with my hair and make up both on fleek, only to spend my night in the A&E waiting room. (At least the X-Ray guy was kind of hot though.)

How did I end up there? Well kids, after a few vodka lime and lemonades at pre drinks and a jump which turned into a stumble out of a taxi, I went over on my foot and managed to fracture it. So basically,  I was out of my flat for about 10 minutes in total and ended up in A&E. Well done Laura.

That sounds traumatic enough, but let me assure you, A&E receptionists don’t take so kindly to:

• One crying drunk girl with a lumpy foot.

•Two drunk girls carrying said crying girl into a wheelchair, unable to take the break off the wheelchair whilst giggling too much.

•Another drunk girl shouting down the phone to communicate to other drunk friends that the crying drunk girl was, in fact, okay and alive.

Even better, after three and a half hours, at 4am, I was informed I had to be back at 10:20am to the fracture clinic. So by the next day, I not only had a swollen, sore foot, a hangover, crutches I still hadn’t mastered and an empty stomach, but I also had next to no sleep.

The cherry on top of the cake? My moon boot. Oh yeah. That’s actually what the consultant called it. Who am I? Napoleon Dynamite? I hobbled into the fracture clinic the next day (with no help getting in and out of the taxi from the driver on two occasions now) and got a “moon boot fitted” instead of a cast. I suppose the upside to that is my flat mates can’t draw willies on it.

So here I am, stuck on the sofa with a fat leg/foot and only Netflix and Film4 to entertain me. Moral of the story? I don’t even know… don’t be a clumsy drunk? Here’s a picture of me and Vicky having a ball in A&E.

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How To Survive the Gym.

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Once upon a time, mid-workout, I thought “maybe it’s weights room time.” So over I went to the weights room, strutted in confidently, ready to own the show and not be intimidated by anyone. I did well, I made it over to the bar bells, picked one up, and dropped it on myself, not only causing a racket (making every scary, beef-cake guy ever glare at me), but also slamming the bar against my shins. Ouch. Pain and embarrassment in one hit. Gym-1. Laura-0.

If you’re anything like me, you don’t always feel totally comfortable and confident in the gym, but the fact is, you should. Whether you’re a guy who’s not quite a beef-cake yet, or a girl who’s just starting out to get fit, that gym is just as much your second home as anyone else’s, you just have to make it as such.

*Sweating*

After speaking to a couple of female friends of mine, I’ve found, as much as most of them don’t want to admit it, sweating bothers them. It’s understandable, nobody likes sweat patches. It might be stating the obvious here, but take a small towel with you to wipe any sweat off yourself (if you’re not sweating you’re not doing enough) and off any machines you use. (Nobody wants to use a spin bike with your sweaty bum mark on it.) Also, girls, the gym is a no make up zone, you’ll only sweat it off and look like a melting wax work. (Tried it once. I wanted to look like an IG model with long hair, fleeky brows and yoga pants. I ended up looking like cousin it had been dragged through a sauna backwards. Hair on neck sweat is not good)

*Dress to Impress (Yourself)*

I personally found buying new, fun, gym clothes that I felt great in really helped. I looked good, so I wanted to be there. Go for stretchy material- cotton shows sweat marks (if that bothers you) but I also find it doesn’t leave much to the imagination (camel toe city.) Or guys, go for loose fitting shorts and any top you’re comfortable in. But generally, if you’re loving your outfit, you’ll be wanting to stay in it longer, and therefore in the gym longer.

*Attention Attention Attention*

Everyone, regardless of gender and body shape worries about people judging them/staring at them in the gym. Simultaneously, everyone is too bothered about themselves, their own work out and how they look, to be staring at you. However, it’s also important we remember how uncomfortable being gawked at makes us, so it’s probably more polite to keep all eyes to yourself when that hottie with a ripped back or fabulous bum walks past.

So there you go. I hope this helps any gym newbies, or those who are like me, and literally just make a fool of themselves regularly.

How to Survive Your Demons.

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Here’s an NYE picture. New Year New Us. Wigs Included.

Recently, a lot of people I know, including myself, have had a whole load of self esteem problems. It’s something I and many others struggle with throughout our whole lives. It’s perfectly normal to have things you don’t like about yourself, but when this dislike turns to hatred, it becomes a problem.

 

Given it’s the whole “New Year New Me” time, I decided it’s time for this to stop. I know many people get themselves to a really dark places. Extreme and dangerous measures are taken to punish yourself for simply being you and this isn’t okay (state the obvious).

One day, when you’re ready, you’ll wake up one morning and realise you cant live like this forever. It’s impossible to be a functioning adult, going to work everyday while hating yourself. You’ll realise you can’t raise children with this attitude, you can’t maintain friendships and relationships feeling like you’re not worthy of them. You have to realise you’re the most important person in your life. You are very much loved, and your self worth is based on your opinion, no-one else’s.

It’s time to focus on ourselves. It’s time to better ourselves, not punish ourselves. Exercise because you want to be strong, not because you think you ate too much. Eat fruit and vegetables with everything, not because they’ll make you thin, but because they lift your mood and make you glow. Go out and party not for approval, but because you love your friends and you want to dance like an idiot with them. And for goodness sake, pick a nice smelling body moisturiser and use it twice a day. (I’m not sure why that helps but I swear it does.)

The reason these gorgeous yoga girls and hunky gym guys we all compare ourselves to on social media are so gorgeous is because they wake up every morning and think “I’m beautiful and I deserve to treat myself as such.” Don’t wait for anyone else to treat you like royalty, start yourself. Once you start glowing, loving yourself and those around you, you’ll realise your life isn’t valued by attention, Instagram likes, relationship status or the number of people you’ve pulled on a night out.

You become what you think you are. And it’s time to think differently.

 

How To Survive a House Party.

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Ah, the Great British house party. Is it just me or are they never really all that pleasant?

 

Even at 15, when I was supposed to be young and resilient, there was just nothing appealing about waking up lay on a dining room table, next to a cat and probably your own and your best friend’s vomit (… from all that diet coke you drank and definitely not your dad’s whiskey or your mum’s finest port that you stole from the kitchen cupboard.) Unfortunately, I was and still am, that girl who just can’t hack it, so I’d often find myself in some not so ideal situations.

*Playing catch up.*

I worked in a restaurant on weekends, so I was usually late to the party. (That describes my life on so many levels.) Subsequently, I’d drink as much as I possibly could within an hour of arriving to be on the same level as everyone else. And that my dears, is how you end up passed out in a bath at 10pm dressed as a peacock, with people taking pictures of you. (True story, it was Halloween okay?!) So, don’t play catch up. These things go on all night, you’re in no rush.

*Throwing Up*

Usually a result of playing catch up, but lets be honest, it happens to the best of us. Sometimes, you just drink something weird, or you haven’t kept count of how many drinks you’ve had and… uh oh, your friend’s holding a pint glass under your mouth for you to be sick into (filled it to bang on one pint… so gross it’s almost impressive). Look, if you’re going to be sick, just make sure you’re near a sink or a toilet or at least a bin (ew). If you’re a girl, have a bobble on hand and hope to god someone brings you some water.

*Making Bad Conversation*

You’re excited, there’s new people, some of them are cool. You want to be cool. How do you approach this situation? You might want to not open with any political opinions you have, it may seem like an intelligent conversation topic, but trust me, at least one person will be offended at some point. It’s the same with music, you don’t know how aggressively hipster these people might be, and you don’t want to be shunned from the party for admitting your secret Carly Rae Jepson love. Also, keep your pet photos to yourself- it’s as bad as those middle aged women who post nothing but their daughter’s selfies on Facebook with the caption “My beautiful daughter. Mummy loves you xxx” As hard as it may seem, a simple “Hi, I’m [Insert name here] How do you know [Insert host’s name here]?” will do.

*Crying Over a Boy/Girl*

I’d like to hope this stops after a certain age, but even my older friends still do it and it doesn’t get any prettier. If your ex is there, just smile and nod. If someone kisses the person you fancy, just go find your friends and/or a good wingman/woman. And if you really really must cry, do it in the bathroom and, girls, take some top-up make up with you.

*Falling Down the Stairs*

Okay this one actually didn’t happen to me, but my best friend. And it was hilarious. Until she didn’t move for a bit and people thought she might be dead. All I can say is, hold on to the bloody banister you idiot. And don’t dance and walk, as tempting as that it.

Hope this helped a few of you, or at least indicated you’re not the only house party hating, alcohol intolerant loser.

Goodnight,

Laura x

Hello.

Good afternoon, evening, morning or whatever.

I’m Laura and one day I woke up and thought “Hm, I wonder if this stuff happens to anyone else…”

By “This stuff” I mean all the weird things that happen to me and my friends on a daily basis that, somehow, we don’t really realise are bizarre until we tell the stories to new people and they give us the wide-eyed, square-mouthed grinning nod, whilst muttering something about “going somewhere” to “do a thing” and making a swift exit.

I kind of wonder whether it’s something about me that just attracts these sorts of happenings. Maybe I’m frequented by odd occurrences because I was a horrible person in a past life, or I just have one of those faces that screams “I deal with weird people, copious amounts of alcohol and conversations with strangers on public transport really well.” (Clue: I don’t.)

However, as much as I would love to live a perfectly quiet life, with no drunken mishaps, minimal human contact and a daily dose of Starbucks, I am grateful for whatever it is that makes me incapable of doing so. Why? Life lessons my friends.

Sure, school is great (a burning hell hole full of hormones and cheap make up covering acne), but there’s some things it just can’t teach you. And that’s where I come in- you lucky things. I figured that, I can’t be the only person who you really just can’t take anywhere without causing a scene or unintentionally making everyone uncomfortable (right?… Right?!) so maybe I should make something of it.

Here is your survival guide, for all those little things that you swear don’t happen to normal people. I hope you enjoy it, and that it brings some comfort to some of you, and maybe weirds out a few others.

Speak soon,

Laura x